Am I Alone?
(grab some tea this one's more of a ramble and me trying to find my way around my own headspace)
In high school I was always around people: school for seven hours, volunteering, seeing my yoga family at yoga, going to football games with friends, always going out to grab food or even weekend nights scrolling through Instagram on my bed with my closest gals. While I did switch schools once I never had the feeling that I didn't fit in or that I would never make friends. Don't get me wrong at first I definitely felt like a fish out of water but because I was constantly surrounded by people at a huge school and I begin to spend so much time with a handful of people because we had so much in common. Eventually we became basically inseparable. Out of a large group of people at the same high school and navigating through the social system I eventually found a group of people who naturally I was incline to be friends with because of our similar personalities, beliefs, values. These were and still to this day are my people. I never realized how much going to a big high school helped me to find out of the many thousands a group of 10-15 people I would literally do anything for - even today.
Speaking from being in a small cohort abroad, finding my people is very different. While I have two sweet roomies, live and go class with a group of incredibly smart and kind people, I have never felt more alone in my whole entire life. I think right now I am experiencing what a handful of people went through in high school and it's a something that I have rarely had experience with before. Since 2018 is my year of living my truth I am recognizing that right now I totally feel like a fish out of water; vulnerable. I feel alone even though I am with people more than I ever have been before. I am actively seeking more time alone than I ever remember which is a very bizarre feeling since I pride myself on my ability to talk to all kinds of people and to make everyone feel welcome. Maybe I've changed? Maybe I am recognizing that I am overwhelmed by being exposed to all kinds of different worlds - both the physical world that I am living in here in Europe but also the world of academia which has exposed me to information and perspective that I didn't even know existed before.
I may feel alone right now but I think spending so much time alone is helping me to realize that while sometimes I feel lonely I am never ever truly alone - I have my people, friends, family who I know will always be there for me. I think that another reason that I feel so alone is that right now in my life especially being away from my home, my country and even a university that I don't even know that well is that I am scared of the connections that I make here and the self-constructed idea of my European connections being ones that are fleeting - a feeling I am too familiar with. I have met some incredible people here in Europe through my travels and in Copenhagen who have taught me so much and who have been nothing but kind. Whether they know it or not they have forever changed my life and changed how I interact with people. I am constantly left thinking about the temporary nature of these connections and the idea of my legacy ... what happens one year from now when I am absorbed in my "normal" college life back at Wake Forest? Will they forget me? Will I forget them? I hope not, I really really hope not - for better or for worse.
I think the biggest takeaway here goes back to the concept of not being afraid. I need not be afraid to show up with all of my being with these connections and being truly present because they are literally embodying the idea of all we have is this moment. I have never likened this idea to people and now I see how powerful it is. Take it for what it is because each connection changes who I am.
I am not the same person I was back in August - I look differently, I think differently, I interact differently. Change is ok and change is beautiful. But more than that I have grown up so much and while I was an old soul before I feel even more beyond my years which is at the same time both exciting and terrifying for someone who is (still only) nineteen.
So alone? yes more than I ever have been before - and lonely? no because I have connected with a part of myself that I never knew existed before, I have the love of my people back home driving me and I am constantly meeting new people all of the time - each day is someone new but each one impacting my life forever.
perhaps our fatal flaw is that we attempt to make forever out of people who are meant to be temporary
scary? absolutely. that's why this moment is the only moment that matters. show up.