On Love

So as we all know Wednesday was February 14th - Ash Wednesday, the middle of the work week and oh wait Valentines Day. I'm going to be honest while I've only been here for nineteen years I am pretty content about the fact that in high school I was never anyone's special someone and in elementary and middle school any excuse for chocolate and cute cards was good enough for me. I have been quite comfortable accepting this socially constructed day as just any other day of the calendar year - for example this year I sat myself in the Copenhagen Main Library and wrote a paper for my Islam class and read many pages of a textbook for my Film and Media class and read about sustainability in Northern Europe. I was content, I mean after all I love learning so (wow I kind of hate myself for this but kind of not) in a way college was my valentine :)

Remember this post about truth? Well here is my truth: this Valentine's day was hard. Once I left the library I literally had no food back at my apartment and zero motivation to grocery shop or cook. It was cold. I was tired. But more than that I was alone with no human interaction for more hours that iIeven want to think about; I lost track of how long I was in the library - it was 8:00PM and I had sat down at 1:30PM. What was weird about this time warp was that I had entered into the library on what seemed to be a particularly sunny yet normal Wednesday and at 8:00PM it was literally as if though I had stepped straight into a Hallmark card. I have never seen so many couple in my entire life - hand and hand, kissing and glimpsing into the windows of the restaurants having glasses of wine in cozy candle lit cafes. There were twinkly lights, men in the metro holding flowers and chocolate and red heart shaped balloons for their special someone. Not to mention that by this point in time everyone back at home was now awake and I have never seen so many couples clogging my Instagram feed with "I love you" and "I can't imagine my life without you". Maybe I'm cynical, maybe because I have never experienced this kind of love or maybe I was just hangry I found myself fuming and before I could thrash out and literally pop the next freaking heart shaped balloon I saw I called my friend Cathie and poured my heart out. Our conversation was made of several circumstances of me cursing love, being angry for public displays of affection and even being creating the impossible story about how this one day was dedicated literally to make people like me miserable.

During our phone call I treated myself to dinner - a granola bar and an apple! college! - and I began to see that this day was not actually solely created to make single people like me miserable as I think about my past and doubt love forever. I think all of these emotions resurfaced this year because of the fact that after several years of being closed to the idea of opening my life up to someone else; I have found myself at the point in my life where I see it as a strong possibility. My greatest superpower but also my greatest weapon of self destruction is my ability to imagine and create these beautiful stories in my head of what life could be; so this Valentine's Day I found myself making up scenarios of what my life would be like if I were one of these (*annoyingly*) happy and in love Danish couples. Mostly I am sad when reality smacks me in the face and the story I have created in my head (and which seems so so real) is in fact not real (insert my promise to myself of not being afraid of making dreams into my reality), but more than that I am scared. As someone who feels the need to have control over all aspects of her life; love is something I literally have no control over. Like it is beyond me that there is someone out there who I will spend a Valentine's Day with and that one day maybe I too will be given chocolates on this day or maybe sent a good morning text.

I guess that's where I leave it up to the universe. What's meant to happen will happen and right now it's not my job to worry. More than that I love love - despite cursing it in my rage on Wednesday. Though my minimal experience and through my friends, my parents and family and even a good cheesy romcom (LOVE ACTUALLY!!!) I have gotten glimpses of what this would feel like. While I was made the other day, today I am accepting of the fact that right now this feeling is not in the cards for my present moment and while sometimes there seems to be a void that needs to be filled - I think about this void in a space that holds a universe of possibility. What I deserve will be given to me and right now the universe (while frustrating and annoying) is telling me to wait: openly, patiently and excitedly for whats to come.

I love love. I really do. I think it's the most beautiful thing on earth and I believe in doing each and every single thing in my life with love. From putting my contacts on in the morning, to bringing myself snacks to class or even listening to a good song to pass the time on the metro or even talking to myself kindly in the mirror. Everything I do is out of love. Right now I am focused on putting love into the world fully knowing that one day ... one day .... the universe will give it back to me.

Mostly what I have taken from this rush of rage in the metro on February 14th 2018 in Copenhagen, Denmark is you don't need one day a year to give love to the world, your person, your family or yourself. Brb calling my mom

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